Asking for attention

Asking for attention. That’s what they thought you were doing when you opened up to them.

But were you really craving attention? Or were you actually seeking help? And weren’t those the closest people, the ones who were supposed to look after you, protect you, listen to you and, most importantly, the ones you should trust the most?

After living with them your whole life, under the same roof, sharing the same bathroom and sitting beside them at the dining table every evening, you wanted to believe they were there for you, willing to make you feel better. After all, that’s what you’ve always heard: they are the people who love you no matter what and who always will, the people who will never make you feel like you let them down and those who will never make you feel lonely.

So, sick and tired of crying in silence in your room and wiping your tears in order to avoid giving them more concerns than they already have, you reminded yourself that you should be their biggest concern. Nothing else should matter more than you do, right? Right?

And what did you get out of this? Was it helpful? Or were you just yelled at? Treated like trash, made fun of and abandoned. You don’t feel good? -they asked you- Seems quite good to me: you don’t help with the house chores anymore and do nothing other than just lying on your bed and listening to music all day.

Were they that blind? Was it the same story all over again? You having to save yourself because those around you preferred to pretend everything was fine? Once again, that’s what you did, but what were the consequences?

You completely cut them out. No more chats, no more talking about feelings. Why would you? Even if you wanted to -and you did not, not anymore- they wouldn’t understand and, what’s worse, they wouldn’t make the effort to try to. Maybe the truth is that they actually don’t even care. After that conversation, it took you a while to completely realise what you were told and the enormous amount of toxic energy that came out of the replies you were given. But once you did, it was impossible to ignore it.

Facts are facts: you needed them, took courage to ask for help, but they pushed you away harshly and laughed at you. Your condition? Nothing alarming, at least that was their point of view. Who cares if you told them how you actually feel deep down? Words you never allowed yourself to let slip out of your mouth had been said, but who took them seriously? Not them. Not those who, out of all the people, were the only ones you needed.

You ask who they are?

Well, I don’t know it anymore.

Andra Bandrabulea, V AL